Tuesday, January 5, 2010

What's Going On?

It’s not easy hearing that you’re not good enough from the person that you love and that you presume loves you. As a matter of fact it’s a slap in the face, a stinging blow to your spirit, your pride and your belief in the world. When that comment is used in addition to other hurtful words the effect can be devastating. I heard those words and more tonight from my wife. She told me she made a mistake marrying me and that basically we can never be happy because I won’t change who I am and that everything wrong is my fault, other than her marrying me that is. What a way to start off the New Year.

It would be a lie if I said that during this very difficult year I hadn’t wondered if we would make it. I did think about that. That’s what I do, I think deeply about things and yeah sometimes I think too deeply. No, I did think about that from time to time and I even thought about what it would be like. My wife has the feeling that everything would be fine if we got a divorce, that everything would be perfect and we would be so much happier on our own. Except we wouldn’t be on our own. You see, we have a son. A beautiful, lively son with a lust for life who is two years and 8 months old. Common sense says that if we were to split now he would adapt quickly although he wouldn’t really understand why things changed. To him it would just be different and he’d adjust and move forward.

What I worry about though is how I would adapt especially if I couldn’t see him every day. I love this kid dearly and can’t bear the thought of not seeing him every single day and being with him and interacting with him. He just came up to me as I’m typing this so for now I need to stop and just be here with my son. Who knows how many more opportunities I’ll have like this?

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