Broken Hearts And Lying To Yourself

I lied to a girl once. True story. My fraternity was doing a carwash to earn money for our formal and she and I were chosen to stand out on the island between the lanes of traffic and were given the task of enticing drivers to come let our friends wash their cars. After a few hours of standing in the hot summer sun we started to get tired and our antics slowed down dramatically. Eventually we sat down and from there on we were in constant physical contact with each other. It was nothing sexual, just that we were sitting back to back and then side to side facing different directions but we always maintained some sort of touching. Not a lot of words were exchanged mainly because they just didn't seem necessary. What we felt was a natural comfortness with each other and a kind of tranquil peace. It just felt right.

When it was time to drive back to Tahlequah we were in the back seat together and I was feeling the effects of too much sun so she had me lay my head in her lap. We were still feeling our connection and she spent her time running her fingers through my hair. Again, it was all very comfortable and natural and we were at peace. Once we got to her house she started to get out and I wanted her to wait so that I could say something to her about where we should go from there but she pulled away from me and said that she couldn't, that she had to go. Naturally I was confused and couldn't help noticing that my good mood had turned rather quickly from peace and contentment to frustration and distress.

Two days later I was at our table in the cafeteria when she came for lunch and sat down across from me. She wanted to explain what had happened and why our parting was so abrupt. First she started by telling me how special I had made her feel, as if she were the most beautiful woman on the planet and how wonderful the day had been for her and that was the problem. Basically the story was that she lived with her boyfriend in his house and really didn't have anyplace else to go. Even though she wasn't happy with him she didn't think it was fair or just for her to live in his house and start something with me on the side no matter how right or good it felt. Faced with a decision choosing between the safety of her living situation with a man who seemed to just be there and another who made her feel different than any other she chose the safe route. She chose him.

As I sat there stunned and in confusion, my mind grasped at anything it could find to make it appear that I was okay and that nothing was wrong. So I lied to her. I mumbled a story about how she was mistaken about my intentions and that I was her friend and had only wanted her to feel good and that there was nothing else to it. I knew then that it was a poor attempt and that she saw through it immediately for what it was but I wanted nothing more than to hide my pain. It was really a pathetic attempt at lessening this public embarrassment. My guts had been ripped out and my heart was rapidly sinking lower and lower and all I wanted to do was get away from there, to get away from her so that she couldn't see the anguish that was leaking through my resolve and becoming visible in my expression.

I lied and kept on lying to myself every day after that until the hurt started to lessen and eventually go away. When you open yourself up to someone and they don't return your feelings for whatever reason it can be crushing to your soul and ego. For me it was especially damning because I had a very poor self image and absolutely no faith in myself ever finding love. I just wasn't good enough for someone to love and her reaction seemed as validation that what I felt about myself was correct and true and that realization made my self opinion sink even lower than it had been before. It boggled my mind that a person could feel something special, something better than she had ever felt before and know in her heart that I would never do anything to hurt her like her boyfriend had and yet still choose him. The only plausible reason that I could find was that there was indeed something wrong with me, that I was lacking in some characteristic that would enable someone to love me.

She chose the safety of her situation and I chose to bury my feelings deep inside where I wouldn't have to face them. Maybe it was fear of the unknown on or the fear of sharing a real connection on her part. I have no way of knowing. Not long after that we stopped talking altogether and drifted away from each other and went our separate ways. I take no consolation in knowing that this experience was part of what made me who I am today, for better or worse. We'll never know what could have happened and that's the way life is. Not everything gets closure. Not everything ends happily. They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger but I think that it can also make you weaker, at least if you keep on lying to yourself.

Published by Don Leach

The Sad State Of Youth Today

I've recently seen an article on Yahoo about a mother being upset how her son's grade school teacher had sent a note home to her. It seems that the teacher in question had stapled a note to the boys shirt informing his parents of his actions. When questioned she stated that she had done so because she had previously sent homes notes and believed that he wasn't giving them to his parents. The mother said that she had received the notes but was upset because her son had been publicly embarrassed by this treatment and that it was unfair.

Now when I was young it was common for teachers to pin a note to your shirt so that it wouldn't be forgotten or overlooked and yes it was normally because you had done something wrong in their eyes. Since I'm not part of this situation and don't have all of the details the only thing that I can comfortably comment on is to speculate that if the parents say they had received previous notes and that the teacher was unsure if they were being given to them then it seems to be that perhaps there was no communication between the two parties. That would explain this disconnect between them.

Thinking a little deeper though this makes me think about how we are raising our children. Currently I feel we are raising generations of children where they don't seem to be able to take criticism at all nor do they understand why they are suddenly not special anymore. Case in point, athletic leagues. Nowadays every child on every team gets a trophy because sometime in the past some parents thought that it wasn't fair that only the top three finishing teams got trophies and that it made their children feel left out and that they weren't good enough. Instead of teaching them lessons that have real life implications such as you can't always be first and that sometimes your team may not be that good and it holds you back but doesn't diminish who and what type of person you are, they chose to try and make every child feel that they were all equal.

That's the problem right there. No matter how much we try to make it so, everybody is not equal. Some are faster, some are smarter, some more athletic, some bigger and some smaller. Some catch on quickly and others have to have things explained to them point by point. None of this means that one person is better or worse than any other, it only means that we are all different and can't be judged by the same standards. I may not be as good looking as others but I have things about me that stand out and make me who I am. So what if I'm not the best athlete or video game player? None of this matters in reality. Just find out what it is that you like and makes you unique, if only even to yourself.

Everybody cannot finish first in everything. It's impossible. There have to be people who finish last the same as there has to be doctors as well as ditch diggers. Simply put, we should be addressing ways to make the children understand that where you finish isn't always the most important thing, it's how you finish. It's the work that you put into it. We need to stop worrying if they get their feelings hurt so much because that's going to happen when they hit the real world. Right now most of them are unprepared for when they hit problems. They don't understand when their boss tells them that their work isn't up to standard or that they need to put forth more effort. They don't understand why they cannot immediately make the kind of money that their parents make. They just feel that everyone is being unfair and hurting their feelings.

So basically they are going to go through everything cruel and unkind in the world that all before them have gone through to some degree or another but they will have no idea how they should and can react. Instead it will be like a gate closing to them. Solid, unmoving and impenetrable. What do they do then? We need to be more understanding of what skills they are going to need to learn so that when this happens, and it will, they will be prepared and be able to solve problems on their own instead of coming running home because life isn't fair. It isn't and never has been so let's try to teach them something about this because it really is so important.

Published by Don Leach