First Time In, From A Poetry Workshop

My wife takes classes at Tulsa Community College and one day she brought home a flier for some "I Can't" workshops scheduled for March and April. They cover a variety of subjects such as screen printing, swing dancing and more. The workshops are free to students and the public so I attended the "I Can't Write Poetry" class this past Monday. Even though I already write poetry or spoken word or lyrics or whatever you want to call it I thought I'd give it a go. Maybe I could learn a new way to look at things. The instructor did just that for me. He told us to think of something that had a lot of concrete, sensory details which led to what's written below. I didn't do everything he said but still, it was interesting. Last night I was finally able to type it up and edit it, I must say though I'm sure it will change even more over time. How far in can you get before you know what I'm talking about?


first time in

on the edge
a violent maelstrom
swirling evolving
the one constant is change
i've never been inside
always stayed where it was safe
it surges and roils
bodies spit out
they pick themselves up
then dive back in
the band is blasting
in my face
over my head
off the walls
the energy reaches inside
it seizes my soul
prodding me
pushing me
drop your fears and worthless worries
accept the challenge
sweat pours freely soaking my skin
hesitation kills momentum
a small push from behind
suddenly i'm inside
no longer thinking
just reacting
arms come up
legs kick out
bodies jerk and spin
fists meet faces
knees to bodies
blood spills here and there
nothing intended all accepted
no pattern to the madness
a release of pent up anger
of aggression and stress
finally on the last note
the crowd is spent
nothing left to do
go back and replenish
we stagger arm in arm
laughing at the memory
i've done it
we've done it
the pit is now closed
Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Lonely Man

This is something I started last Sunday and after a few days I had the time to look over it. I decided to change nothing for now. Perhaps in the future it may evolve but for now it is what it is. By the way, I was thinking of the song "Every Man For Himself" by Articles Of Faith.

A lonely man
A solitary one
Driven by fear
Pain and suffering
Hard lessons learned
Confusion abounds
Reluctant to change
Separate by choice
Suspicious of motive
Of strangers needs
Cynical and twisted
It comes down to
Controlling life's greed

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

The Health Saga Continues

Today should have been the day for my wife to have her knee surgery. As I have stated here before the doctor's office cancelled the surgery because of a problem with her thyroid. Then they sent her to have a thyroid scan by a specialist but the specialist decided that since she had an MRI two weeks (before while she was in the ER) that the dye used would interfere with the scan so they told her to come back in one month. Here's where it gets interesting. Yesterday she went back to the doctor and they were surprised about the delay for the scan. Amazingly they told my wife that they would contact the specialist and see about going ahead with the surgery. They also took some blood so that they could see what her thyroid level was at.

Today they called and told her that they were canceling the thyroid scan and gave her three possible dates for her surgery. We have to notify them tomorrow morning for which one we choose. I fail to understand how this has come about. It was such a serious thing that they cancelled her surgery outright yet now because of the delay they want to go ahead with the surgery as soon as possible. It makes no sense to me at all. Perhaps instead of jumping the gun they could have waited a few days and this all would have worked itself out and she could have had her surgery already earlier today.

No, that makes far too much sense. Better to make decisions without all of the facts than wait until you have it all. Unfortunately now an airline ticket for her mother has already risen in price drastically which may make it too difficult for her to come. This after we lost almost one hundred dollars on her last ticket because the doctor cancelled the surgery. You've got to love the American Medical system, ineptitude at it's finest. At least we can be consoled by the thought of her finally receiving some relief from her pain and suffering. After she recovers from the surgery we'll be able to start moving forward again which is an idea long past overdue.

This is all based on the premise that the doctor doesn't do something else silly like cancel it again. With everything that's gone on so far I wouldn't put it past them. I'll keep you posted.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

The First New Lyrics of November

I've taken a little time off from the blog but it hasn't been because I lack ideas to write about. Quite the opposite, I have many ideas but not much time to use on them. Also, I've had this feeling, I want to write but when the chance comes I can't bring myself to do it. It's not writers block, more like I allow myself to distract myself and end up running out of time without having accomplished anything. Perhaps that will change with this sudden surge of song lyrics that came pouring out of me last night at work.

I had already clocked out when they broke through and forced themselves onto my consciousness to the point that I couldn't deny them the time. The first came about in a few moments fueled by emotions held barely in check. The second came with an idea for the chorus first then followed by the song. Neither one of them took long (as you can tell) and both are very raw. We'll see what will happen to them in the future, which direction they take. Already I've started writing another song so more than likely parts of them will end up merged together to build one stronger, better song. I hope. That's usually the way it goes.

A Life Like This

The only words I hear you say
Are filled with negativity
The only sounds you make
Express misplaced anger
If that’s all you want to do
Then I’m done with this
I’ve got better things to do
It’s time to walk away
(Was it worth it?)

I don’t want to live
A life like this
I don’t need to live
A life like this

No problem is your problem
No need for made up drama
But there you go again
Making something from nothing
Now I’m sitting here with
My stomach tied in knots
You’re sitting there with
Your high priced excitement
(Was it worth it?)

Where do we go from here
As if there’s someplace to go
My patience it at its end
My head is about to explode
Don’t beat around the bush
Or hint about what you say
I won’t beat around the bush
Let the truth come out
(Is it worth it?)


You Don’t Love Me

Your anger bites sharply
Spit in its venomous zeal
Lashing out at the only one
You know can really feel

Chorus:
You don’t love me
(Do you love me)
You don’t love me
(Do you love me)
You don’t love me
Unless you love me

Will this storm blow over
Like a thousand times before
What does the future hold
I don’t really know anymore

You don’t like me
(Do you like me)
You don’t like me
(Do you like me)
You don’t like me
Unless you like me

If I run away to the hills
Until the wrath and fury are gone
Will you give up the search
Before I finish this song

You don’t know me
(Do you know me)
You don’t know me)
(Do you know me)
You don’t know me
Unless you know me


Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Love, Marriage and Illness

The alarm clock sounded for the second time and instead of hitting the snooze button again he shut it off and struggled to his feet. Squinting his eyes against the light he stumbled to the bathroom and relieved his bladder and following that as he washed his hands he stared at his image in the mirror. For most of his life he had looked younger than he was, even after he started losing his hair. Now though, the events of the recent months had taken their toll on him and his true age was starting to show. He sighed and thought briefly how it is inevitable that everybody gets older before veering sharply away from the direction those thoughts would take him in. Not now, there would be plenty of time during the day for that.

After a small breakfast, which was all he had ever been able to stomach, he washed the dishes and took his shower then dressed and before he knew it the time had come for him to go. He caught a taxi and looked at the all too familiar buildings along the way. The multitude of taxi drivers rarely varied the route so he let his mind drift a bit and very shortly he was there. Slowly he walked up the sidewalk and in the front door and turned left at the first hallway he came across followed by a right turn into another hallway and in a few feet he was there. Room 317. He emitted a heavy sigh and tried to let go of any negative feelings he had. It would do no good to go into the room in that frame of mind.

Forcing a smile on his face he pushed the door open and beheld her, his love. She fastened her gaze upon him, momentarily unsure of who this man was before it all came back to her. He told her how beautiful she was. She said that it was a lie. He told her how much he loved her, how special she was. She denied it all. She was tired of this place, didn't like the doctors and the staff was so rude. He could only tell her to be patient, perhaps soon she could come home. She fixed a fiery gaze at him and asked who he was. Why are you even here? The man weathered her storm of anger, after all, given her condition it was to be understood. Even though it was difficult seeing her this way it had to be incredibly worse to see it from her view.

Her anger dissipated into meandering stories about her life and shortly after that sleep came to her. This was his cue, his time to leave and go out into the world where he could briefly distract himself from the problems of life. He had work to do so that the bills could be paid and food bought. In the evening he would make his way here again to be by her side, silently listening to the same questions and stories all over again, in this building that normally housed people much older than her that was now her home. No, that word isn't correct at all he thought darkly. This is merely her residence, it's not a home at all. A home is a place where love, hope and dreams live. None of that can be found here, this place has no soul and is only where her body resides and occasionally, if he was lucky, he was able to catch frighteningly short glimpses of the woman he had loved his whole life. Most of the time that woman no longer existed, but sometimes, for those few, short moments she came back to him and those moments of clarity are what he now lived for.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Broken Hearts And Lying To Yourself

I lied to a girl once. True story. My fraternity was doing a carwash to earn money for our formal and she and I were chosen to stand out on the island between the lanes of traffic and were given the task of enticing drivers to come let our friends wash their cars. After a few hours of standing in the hot summer sun we started to get tired and our antics slowed down dramatically. Eventually we sat down and from there on we were in constant physical contact with each other. It was nothing sexual, just that we were sitting back to back and then side to side facing different directions but we always maintained some sort of touching. Not a lot of words were exchanged mainly because they just didn't seem necessary. What we felt was a natural comfortness with each other and a kind of tranquil peace. It just felt right.

When it was time to drive back to Tahlequah we were in the back seat together and I was feeling the effects of too much sun so she had me lay my head in her lap. We were still feeling our connection and she spent her time running her fingers through my hair. Again, it was all very comfortable and natural and we were at peace. Once we got to her house she started to get out and I wanted her to wait so that I could say something to her about where we should go from there but she pulled away from me and said that she couldn't, that she had to go. Naturally I was confused and couldn't help noticing that my good mood had turned rather quickly from peace and contentment to frustration and distress.

Two days later I was at our table in the cafeteria when she came for lunch and sat down across from me. She wanted to explain what had happened and why our parting was so abrupt. First she started by telling me how special I had made her feel, as if she were the most beautiful woman on the planet and how wonderful the day had been for her and that was the problem. Basically the story was that she lived with her boyfriend in his house and really didn't have anyplace else to go. Even though she wasn't happy with him she didn't think it was fair or just for her to live in his house and start something with me on the side no matter how right or good it felt. Faced with a decision choosing between the safety of her living situation with a man who seemed to just be there and another who made her feel different than any other she chose the safe route. She chose him.

As I sat there stunned and in confusion, my mind grasped at anything it could find to make it appear that I was okay and that nothing was wrong. So I lied to her. I mumbled a story about how she was mistaken about my intentions and that I was her friend and had only wanted her to feel good and that there was nothing else to it. I knew then that it was a poor attempt and that she saw through it immediately for what it was but I wanted nothing more than to hide my pain. It was really a pathetic attempt at lessening this public embarrassment. My guts had been ripped out and my heart was rapidly sinking lower and lower and all I wanted to do was get away from there, to get away from her so that she couldn't see the anguish that was leaking through my resolve and becoming visible in my expression.

I lied and kept on lying to myself every day after that until the hurt started to lessen and eventually go away. When you open yourself up to someone and they don't return your feelings for whatever reason it can be crushing to your soul and ego. For me it was especially damning because I had a very poor self image and absolutely no faith in myself ever finding love. I just wasn't good enough for someone to love and her reaction seemed as validation that what I felt about myself was correct and true and that realization made my self opinion sink even lower than it had been before. It boggled my mind that a person could feel something special, something better than she had ever felt before and know in her heart that I would never do anything to hurt her like her boyfriend had and yet still choose him. The only plausible reason that I could find was that there was indeed something wrong with me, that I was lacking in some characteristic that would enable someone to love me.

She chose the safety of her situation and I chose to bury my feelings deep inside where I wouldn't have to face them. Maybe it was fear of the unknown on or the fear of sharing a real connection on her part. I have no way of knowing. Not long after that we stopped talking altogether and drifted away from each other and went our separate ways. I take no consolation in knowing that this experience was part of what made me who I am today, for better or worse. We'll never know what could have happened and that's the way life is. Not everything gets closure. Not everything ends happily. They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger but I think that it can also make you weaker, at least if you keep on lying to yourself.

Published by Don Leach

Dude, Where Have You Been?

I'm just now starting to get back into the swing of posting on my blog and while I have a plethora of ideas to write about there still is the little matter of finding enough time to write about them. It hasn't been easy for me the last few months but things are starting to look up. Basically what happened is that my wife has been out of work for the past few months due to a Baker's Cyst in her calf. Normally when I would get home from work she and our son would be asleep and that was my time to get on the computer and write. Since she hasn't been working I would come home and most nights she would be on the computer and I'd get up the next day and either her or our son would be on the computer. My online time has been very limited.

At first her problem was mis-diagnosed by a Nurse Practitioner (last time we allow one of them to see either of us) which set her back two weeks from getting real treatment. Once the doctor figured out what was wrong he sent her to a specialist to get an evaluation. The specialist wanted to get an MRI of her knee and to try and aspirate the cyst which didn't work. It seems it wasn't liquidy enough and was instead more like a thick syrup which was unusual as was it's location. Normally these cysts are behind the knee but sometimes push down between the calf muscles and descend. As I said aspirating the cyst did not work so the next step was surgery which was compounded by the MRI showing that there were several small meniscus tears that required an arthroscopy to be done as well as cutting into the back of the calf to remove the cyst.

Fast forward a few weeks and my wife has been going to her physical therapy and has been strengthening her leg. Only now my she is convinced she's feeling the same thing and that her leg is developing another cyst which I pray isn't true. We've been struggling to make it financially and the only thing that has saved us is that we've been getting food and household items from our church and that my mother has been paying for our son Johnny's pre-school tuition combined with my wife's mother sending clothes for her him and helping out in other ways. If it weren't for that help and the overtime that I've been able to get at work I think we would have lost our house by now.

A few weeks back my wife's cousin came for to visit us with her soon to be one year old daughter. Now it has been a bit of a strain on our already delicate situation but we have the space and it's been nice to have them in the house. Plus there was a very good reason for them to visit us for this perhaps indefinite stay but since it's highly personal I won't go into now, Perhaps in a future post about what kind of a man doesn't mind not being around for his only child's birthday, Christmas, etc. At any rate, I was overjoyed to receive a bonus from my employer and with that and some overtime I bought a brand spanking new Dell laptop with which I am posting on this very blog at this very moment. Okay it's also thanks to the WiFi at work (I'm off the clock) but this has made me very happy and I can't wait to really get some writing done once my wife starts working again and I can cut back on the overtime.

I know that as long as we keep plugging away and do what we know is right in our hearts that it will all work out eventually. You just got to persevere and have a little faith.

This one had me laughing out loud.

This video was sent to me from someone that I work with and it was so funny that I was laughing out loud. It really brightened my day because I think that it's true that friends would do this to each other in real life.



If that didn't make your day well then I feel sorry for you because it certainly made mine.