notmovingpictures Episode 028: Losing Friends, Unrealized Dreams And Other Things

It's time for a solo rant again. Some things have been weighing on my mind as of late and I just had to get them out. I've been reading this journal that I briefly wrote in at the time that I was almost out of the Army in 1995 and then afterwards. It's made me realize that even back then I was a major procrastinator. I wrote about so many things that I wanted to do and even intended to do but never did. In fact, I recently have been slowly moving towards doing spoken word poetry and even fusing that with music but I basically was talking about doing just that thing all those years ago. Perhaps back then it wouldn't have amounted to anything and now is the right time. I have always been a late bloomer in life.



I also have had a few things happen with friends such as an old friend that I had to cut loose because he was just toxic to me and another incident that I don't really wish to share the details of. So I muse on losing friends and if I ever really knew him. I've got enough turmoil in my life as it is and I don't need any more from a supposed friend. I also speak about how societal wise this country is moving towards making you pay for your mistakes or actions from decades before now. As if you could never grow and learn from what you've done in the past. It's insane in my opinion.

Another thing I meander around is being stuck in a job or place in life where you can't do or say things without worrying if it will jeopardize your job. Of course a common subject on the podcast is that I feel  marijuana should be legal, medical or otherwise. There's a few other things I delve into like the whole Ebola scare and manufacturing fear but I'll let you hear it all for yourself. The past week or so has been a reflective period for me, one spent thinking about what was, what is and what may be. Nothing too deep, right? Right. That's what I do, think deep, sometimes too much so, and learn what I can.

Opening Music: Alloy - Live To See The Day
Closing Music: Public Image Ltd - Disappointed

Email: notmovingpictures@gmail.com Twitter: @notmovingpics
Blog: www.notmovingpictures.blogspot.com

Older episodes can also be found @ www.archive.org, just search for notmovingpictures

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

New Stuff I'm Working On

I've had a lot on my mind lately and as such some of it is starting to leak from my brain. All of this is basically first draft stuff so take it for what it is.

9/17/13

I have no choice but to follow

The dance of make believe you regurgitate
Creating it as you go along
Changing the rules on a whim
Keeping everyone off balance
Unsure of what the day will hold
Do as you wish not what’s best
Wield your pretend power
Keep it going as long as you can
Take full advantage of it
One day I’ll disappear from here
Not that it matters though

9/16
Tell your tall tales
Standing six feet above
Spread your cancerous rumors
With no hint of love

Some Of Them 9/16/13

Some of them drift in
From time to time
Some of them remain
To this very day
Some of them stay online
Keeping a presence known
Some of them disappeared
From the start faded away

Missed opportunities
A prayer left unsaid
Vowed never to repeat
Left with bowed head
Never again, never again
Mutter in fevered prayer
Open my eyes to the world
Never fail you again my friend

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Didn't I Used To Know You?

As I arrived late to church last week I sat down at the back and just in front of me I noticed a man that from my vantage point looked like someone I had known a long time ago. Well, just briefly that is and only if I allowed myself to believe it. In truth he barely had a passing resemblance to an old fraternity friend that I haven't seen in about twenty six years. If I narrowed my eyes just so the illusion held for a few seconds until common sense prevailed and I realized that it wasn't him.

Still, the idea persisted in my head of what if it had been him? After all that time I knew that it was very likely that he wouldn't recognize me as I had changed greatly over all those years. Would he even remember my name? This is relevant because this person had been an alcoholic and the last time my best friend Tommy had seen him was just a few years after graduating college and this man had barely known who he was then. Even after prompting him with details he seemed disinterested at speaking with this person he had know day in and day out for several years.

The more I thought about the idea of friendship the more I thought about how it changes over time. Back in those college days I had more friends at one time than I ever had before but by the definition of the word a lot of them were in reality acquaintances. We spent a great deal of time around each other but we never really got to know each other. There was a certain core group of individuals to whom I was closer to and within that group another smaller one comprised of those that I would do just about anything for. With all of these groups I felt as if they were family to me. What can I say? I was young and unencumbered by the problems of life at that point.

As we all got older and graduated or (in my case) left school our lives changed. People moved away to other cities, other state and sometimes other countries. They got married, had children and started careers, not necessarily in that order. The more their schedules filled up with day to day minutiae of grownup life the less time there was for old friends and even less for old acquaintances. Without even realizing it we all left those who used to matter so much behind.

In this modern, brave new world it is much easier to keep in contact than it was back then but that comes at a price. Back then answering machines were not commonplace nor was caller I.D. so you had a better chance of reaching someone. Of course you had to call from a place that had an actual telephone, unlike today where people have the freedom to call from anywhere they want. Be it from their car, the store or even from their toilet. Strangely though even the practice of calling is changing depending on your generation.

Nowadays it's even more extremely convenient to simply send a text or an email to be read at the recipients leisure. Actual verbal contact isn't required at all. With that we pass from one era to another. There are things my son will never experience and some of that is good, some not so good. The thing is, we really can't do much about that. It's the way things are, the only thing constant is change and you either adapt to the world around you or stay where you are and grow stagnant.

So how can I sum up how I feel about my old friends? Some of them I am in constant contact with to this day. Some I see or call occasionally. Some I am friends with on Facebook. Some never respond when I leave them a message. Some are never seen or heard from again. And some have already departed. As we get older the last group will only get larger. Hopefully at some point we'll wake up and try and find the time to see each other even if it's only once or twice a year. Even more hopefully every once in a while we'll also make new friends that we will hold as dearly to us as we do the old.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Blood From A Stone

Things have been rough lately in our household. There's a lot of uncertainty mixed with a fair amount of stress and pain on all fronts. So it was with a great deal of relief when my brother (from other parents) Tommy came over to work on some song lyrics. Of course first I was able to talk with him and sound off on the various things that were on my mind and gnawing at my stomach. As always not only did he listen but he also had some sound advice for me. Sometimes it's good to just talk with a person whose opinion you trust. After that we tried to start on a particular set of lyrics that had been our plan to be the next new song but instead a different idea pushed it's way to the forefront. I had written a single verse only eight lines long while at work and it was clear to both of us that it was the one we needed to concentrate on. Here's the original verse that I wrote:

Feel the noose lightly tighten ever so slightly
Slowly so slowly until it seems normal
Nothings out of place it’s all chased
It’s when your memory turns bright to dull
Who is this person I don’t remember
Staring at me through the looking glass
This is not my house nor my home
Painfully familiar yet hard to grasp

It can be hard giving up some of the words that I wrote originally but as we worked on it we tried to keep the core idea there and flesh it out. As we worked and bounced ideas off of each other we were able to make the words fit and sharpen it all to present a clearer picture of what was on my mind. It amazed me how we had taken those first eight lines and in just two short hours had evolved them into a complete song. Minus the music that is. That will come later from the rest of the band although Tommy already has an idea from an older unused music track that just might work. It feels really good to create something like this and it's surprising how much better I feel from it. Now if I can just keep this feeling going and build on it. Here's the final (for now) lyrics, make of them what you will:

Blood from A Stone

The noose tightens ever so lightly
A dulled perspective so hard to grasp
All I’ve chased seems out of place
Self desolation has come to pass
Familiar faults slowly breed a pattern
Who is this person I can’t comprehend
Every start seems to deaden my heart
With deception as the means to an end

Waves of restlessness surge
Igniting a sweat that burns
Perceptions always the same
Blood from a stone leaves it’s stain

chorus:
Now run the gauntlet Run the gauntlet
Run the gauntlet again

Currents flow ever discretely
A scandal burns at both ends
Motives consumed I must resume
Feigning interest, I just can’t pretend
From a place I’ve never controlled
Sinister winds rage against me
To reveal all the flaws I conceal
Is a mistake in identity

Repeat Bridge and Chorus

All words by Don Leach and Tommy Terneus and may not be used without permission.

Published by Don Leach

Frat Life 101: Continued

There we were, a bunch of young guys fresh out of high school, trying to take advantage of what we perceived as our new found freedom, no matter how immature we really were. We were just attempting to have fun now that we didn't have to listen to anyone telling us what time to go to bed or what music we could listen to or anything as banal as that. So we went to that fraternity party at Sigma Tau Gamma and met another group of new people. Some of them turned out to also be future pledges although at that time I thought that they were already members.

It didn't take long for us to decide that we would all pledge but I for one did briefly entertain the idea that I would wait a semester so that I could concentrate on my grades. One look at my transcript and you would be able to see that I should have done that however, it was mentioned to me that I probably wouldn't want to pledge under my new found friends when they were members and basically they were right. That could have been hell. Sig Tau was different from any other fraternity on campus. There was one that was business majors, one that was for preppy rich kids and even one for redneck jocks (at least they were when they were still in high school). Then there was Sig Tau. They didn't care what kind of clothes you wore, what kind of money your family had, what your major was and they certainly didn't care what color your skin was.


The only thing that Sig Tau cared about was brotherhood. If you were out at the river at 3am and your car wouldn't start you knew that someone would come and get you. They might give you an untold amount of grief over it but they would come and get you. They wanted people who wanted to hang out together and be friends because life could suck pretty badly at times and is was better to be surrounded by like minded people who wanted to enjoy life in their own way. I'm not going to pretend that everything was always perfect and there were never any problems because there were, but the bottom line was that we took care of each other.

As pledges we were expected to learn about each others lives, your hometown, your major (if you had one which I did off and on), how many siblings you had and so forth. You also were required to learn about the members. Each pledge was assigned a member to be their big brother. This was the guy you would go to when you had problems, the one who would take care of you and make sure you were doing everything you were supposed to. At least that was the working theory.

One thing that was different about Sig Tau was that we had what no other fraternity or sorority at NSU could offer, we had a house. It was a rundown, beat up shack of a house but it was ours and we reveled in it. Parties were frequent occurrences and we did them well. The house sat on a rounded curve (instead of a regular corner) just off of the main thoroughfare and was a choice spot for us. It wasn't technically on campus but was just off of it and there was a convenience store about a block away which was, well, in a word extremely convenient. Okay that was two words. Plus the football stadium was very close and as pledges we were required to go early when there were home football games so that we could save seats for the members and any alumni who was coming to the game.


We were also required to learn about the history of the fraternity and once we did we were in for a surprise. Zeta chapter was significant in that history because we were the fifth chapter and it takes five chapters to become a national fraternity. This was great except that somewhere along the way Zeta had become the red headed, bastard, step child of the national fraternity. We were known for doing things our way no matter what nationals told us and we didn't care what the consequences were. During my second semester Zeta was chosen as the host chapter for the annual national meeting that most every chapter sent representatives to. Normally the host chapter is very involved in what goes on during the conference. Notice I said normally. A few members went out to the conference on the first day to touch base with the national leadership and to see what was going to be required of us. They came back and informed us basically that they were snubbed and our participation was not something that was being looked favorably on.

We did the only mature, well thought out thing that this slap in the face deserved. We said to hell with them and went on with business as usual ignoring the fact that the conference was even close by. Was it productive or smart to be this way? No, not even close but honestly we didn't care. That's just the way we were. We even pronounced the name of the fraternity different that any other chapter. Go figure. Despite all of this we soldiered on and wore this status (or lack of) like a badge of honor.

Towards the end of the semester a few pledges had quit and then another quit halfway through Hell Week (the final week of pledgeship) and yet another was blackballed. This is a process where the membership votes and if they don't want you in you are considered blackballed or dismissed. It's extremely rare to go into Hell Week with a pledge that gets blackballed as they are normally gotten rid of before then and the only pledges that go into the final week are the ones that you unequivocally want. There was some grumbling when this happened and some talk of demanding that this dishonored pledge be brought back or else all of us would quit but that nonsense was quickly squashed and soon the remaining pledges who had suffered through so much blood, sweat, tears and a lot of sleepless nights got our just reward. We became neophyte members.


Next time I will talk about the time honored tradition of throwing members into the river which we did as pledges and I also had done to me by later pledges.