During the last six months a lot of things I do have been left withering on the vine. Unlike many people who have used their quarantine time to start (and finish) many projects or to learn new things, I went the opposite direction and just stopped doing a lot of things that I enjoy. Like this blog and my podcasts. To be fair, Podomatic stopped recognizing my files or I'd probably still be doing the occasional episode.
Also unlike a lot of people who have been bettering themselves, I've never really had much of a quarantine. I've gone to work steadily and even got outsourced. After the first few months of the shutdown restaurants in Tulsa reopened gradually and then fully, for the most part. There haven't been any sporting events or concerts but movie theaters have reopened as well. The only thing really different is that I wear a mask in public and part of the time at work. Life has gone on.
Work has been difficult. Starting in January I had to drive 55 minutes to another city to cover a site because both of my crew there quit their jobs on very short notice. Not only did I have to do my job but I also had to cover the emergency release of information job for that site. Then I had to drive back home, so not only was I getting up an hour earlier I was also spending almost 2 hours of my day driving. All of that led to a great deal of stress and anxiety and even had me doubting if I could do this job adequately. That's never happened to me before.
Because I had to work like this I let a lot of things go. For instance, I felt as if I couldn't take any time off since no other member of my very short handed team could make the drive on a daily basis. So I cancelled my annual physical at the VA, cancelled my appointments with my therapist and stopped going to the gym. My physical and mental health started declining. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and my mind immediately went to what I hadn't gotten done the day before and was going to get into trouble over.
My boss wasn't happy with me and I just plain wasn't happy with my life. I wanted out of the situation badly but worried what would happen to my family if I quit my job. Finally I had a serious talk with my manager and let her know what was going on with me. Another site lead gave me some suggestions which helped me be keep my team better organized and focused as well as myself. The three empty positions we had were filled and though training new people wasn't easy, things have improved gradually.
Now I can take some time off and address my mental and physical health. I've felt like starting my projects again instead of vegging out on YouTube videos after coming home from work. New zines will be forthcoming, perhaps even some new songs providing I can find someone who can do the music. I still don't know if I want to remain in this job. After all, I didn't choose this company, I was outsourced to them and I had to work, for my families sake.
Things have improved enough for now though to the point where I can breath a little and take measure of my surroundings and assess where I am and where I want to be. It's a start. I'm just glad my heart isn't pounding as my anxiety and depression rage out of control. I'll take it, for now, but my eye is on the future. Time will tell.
Written and Published by Don Leach.
May not be used without permission from the author.
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