Why Life

I'm not a fan of days like this. When I can only daydream of another life. Of a happy life. All I can feel at this moment is the need to be alone, in a dark room. I mean a room so dark it is completely devoid of light. There I could curl up in a ball and close my eyes, shut off my brain and drift. Not thinking or feeling, just drifting. 

 

On days like this when the thought of happiness seems unobtainable, I can't even have that. Why isn't there a reset button I could hit? Why can't I start over without this baggage? Why does the thought of more time seem so unbearable? What is the point of all of this? 

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Poetry From A Non Poet # 2

Love is a suitable form of suicide

Leaving lies the only children born

Dive under the memories look in the mirror

Before everything fades to black

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Poetry From A Non Poet # 1

I'm the one who only exists

blessed with life but not living

observer in name and function

doomed to run in place

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

notmovingpictures Episode 067: Don't Take It Easy

I recorded this episode on my laptop using Audacity and I'm not entirely happy with the results but it is what it is and I cleaned it up the best I could. A few hours ago I got the news that my mother had another major heart attack so I scrapped what I had already recorded and did this instead. It's just how I feel at this particular moment. Adrift, unsure and waiting. That's life.



Opening music: Alloy - Live To See The Day
Closing music: Bob Mould - Hold On

Email: notmovingpictures@gmail.com  Twitter: @notmovingpics
Blog: www.notmovingpictures.blogspot.com

Older episodes of the podcast can be found by going to www.archive.org and searching for notmovingpictures.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

notmovingpictures Episode 059: Live Your Life, R.I.P. Chris Cornell

Once again a great voice has been lost to us. Chris Cornell died the other day and I decided to speak my mind about not waiting around to see or do something because there might not be another day.



Opening Music: Alloy - Live To See The Day
Closing Music - Soundgarden - Been Away Too Long

Email the podcast: notmovingpictures @gmail.com  Twitter: @notmovingpics
Blog: notmovingpictures.blogspot.com

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Wistful Thinking On Funerals

This was written two days ago but I'm just now putting it up.

I'm supposed to go to a funeral today. I'm not a big fan of them, not that there are many people who are. That would just be weird. Actually it's more like I'm not a big fan of social gatherings in general. Weddings, birthday parties and yes, even funerals all cry out "look at me, validate me by paying attention to me." Birthdays and weddings of course are for the people who are alive and there at that moment. Funerals though aren't for the person who died. They're for those left behind. I don't think a dead person cares either way if people have gathered, dressed up and are paying their respects to what kind of a person they were when they were living. It seems more about how the attention somehow makes the grief of the living easier when it's shared.

Personally I feel it’s all rubbish. Like I said, the dead person doesn't care one iota about anything being done "for" them or in their name. Being dead means they're beyond feelings period. I rather doubt when I go I'll have a large outcry of lamenting over my leaving but even if there is a small one I'd rather they do something different for me. Instead of gathering in a church, everybody dressing to impress each other and having people talk who may or may not be telling the absolute truth, I propose whoever feels like it can gather and tell stories about me. Tell why you hated me or tell why you loved me. Tell funny stories that show that I was a human, not some near perfect being because trust me, I'm far from that.

 
How about visiting me before I die and sharing these things? Anybody can come after you've gone and only speak of the good things. After all, by then you're no longer around to correct them on the details. It is hard to see someone when the end is near when you are sad about the change in them, perhaps because it makes us recognize the frailty of life and that all of us will succumb at some point or another. Whatever the reason I'd rather people share with me while I am dying and then if they must, gather and celebrate the life I’ve led with each other. I've let far too many people slip away and haven't spent time as well as I could have but I am trying. So you can heed this or ignore it, your choice. Once I'm gone even these words will no longer matter to me. Do what you feel like. Do what makes you happy.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

John's Song- First Draft

Here are some new lyrics that I wrote today. As it happens I was listening to an old episode of the Razorcake podcast and a band was singing in true punk fashion about a great lie. My mind took that to a different place and I was thinking about saying to my son "I hope you have a great life." I'm not exactly known for writing things that are super positive or really touchy-feely. These words were born as if this were something I would be leaving behind for him, basically as advice for him to live his life by after I've gone. Anyway, this is something I definitely want to put to music and have out there primarily for him. If anybody else likes it then that's a bonus as far as I'm concerned.

John's Song

Whether I live for a hundred years
Or die tomorrow
I just want you to know
I only wish the best for you

Always remember
I hope you have a great life
Whatever you choose to do
Whatever path you take
I hope you have a great life

I'd rather be around for a long time
But I'm unable to choose
There are no promises
No guarantees for anyone
So listen closely to what I say
Take my warning true
Follow what your heart tells you
Do what makes you happy

And always remember
I hope you have a great life
Whatever you choose to do
Whatever path you take
I hope you have a great life

Don't wait for what you want
Have faith in yourself
Go out and make it happen
Don't waste your time your life

Always remember
I hope you have a great life
Whatever you choose to do
Whatever path you take
I hope you have a great life

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Where's The New Episode?

As you can tell a new episode of Ten For Tuesday did not come out on Tuesday. Right now it's past midnight and I have come home from work where I will try and assemble it and get it uploaded at some point. You have to forgive me, not only have I been sick for most of the last two weeks but so has my family to varying degrees. While I'm not firing on all cylinders yet I'm getting closer day by day. Unless I get sick again that is.

Still I've managed to go to work and get other things done even though my body almost collapsed on me at one point and I stayed in bed for quite a while. I'll spare you the disgusting details of everything that has gone wrong with me but it's suffice to say the range has been great. I know I'll be very happy once I get rid of the poison ivy (I'm extremely allergic to it) and the cough that's been plaguing me. Even moderate health would feel good right about now. So there you have it, the reason
behind the tardy episode is not so compelling in interesting. It's just life.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

New Lyrics - Faded Past

So I've been listening to a fair amount of punk lately, a lot of the Kpunk podcast, and this one came out. I hear it set to punk music but who knows? Maybe Tommy can find a kernel of something here to use for Alloy. I guess the motivation for this is apparent. Maybe it's just me though.

Faded Past

What good is it to look back
On times when I was young
My only thoughts were of fun
You can't go home anymore
Still I like to remember when
Those times when I was thin
Didn't have a care in the world
Thought I had it all under control

             (Chorus)
So I sit alone and have another
Wasted hour wasted day
There's nowhere left to go
Wasted hour wasted day
The records stores closed anyway
Wasted hours wasted day

All my friends have come and gone
Leaving me all alone
Won't see my weep for the lost
Not at the excessive price it costs
Can't try and move forward
If I'm living in the past
Scratch the surface wash the dust
Memories fold together and fade away

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

New Lyrics/Poem - Starting All Over

Here's something I wrote yesterday but I guarantee that it isn't about what most people will think it's about. I've been in a pretty dark place in my head lately as I contemplate life and it's problems that always seem to crop up but I'm on my way out of that....for now. At least when life seems unfair or that it sucks we can console ourselves with the thought that while true it's also pretty much that way for everybody. At least I hope so. Otherwise that could be rather depressing. At any rate maybe this will turn into a song that I can console myself with.

Starting All Over

Starting all over yet you swore

It would never happen again
Trying to make a go of it
Make all the pieces fit
I’ve been down this road
Too many times to comprehend
The details all run together
Names and faces where and when
How much is too much
How long before I give in

Call it a midlife crisis
Not even sure what that means
Afraid that life is more
Than halfway over
Or are my eyes finally open
Recognizing what is real
Tell me it will all even out
Just the nature of the beast
How long til I give up
How long til I’m worn out

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

It's Storming Outside

I was sitting at my desk in the bowels of the hospital tonight when the lights started dimming. Suddenly the power flicked off and came back on. As I attempted to restart my computer I could hear the fire doors in the hallway closing themselves over and over. That was my indicator that there was a major storm brewing outside. Then came the call from my wife informing me of how bad it was outside as she implored me to wait until it blew over before coming home. I assured her I would and then clocked out and stepped outside to assess the situation for myself.

It was bad, really bad. From the entrance of the parking garage to where I was standing was at least one hundred and fifty feet but I could clearly see the wind fiercely blowing rain a good forty feet inside. That was enough to make the decision for me. I pulled my truck around to where I could observe what was happening and so here I sit waiting for it to die down enough for me to drive home.

Nature is funny that way. A storm can brew up seemingly from out of nowhere and catch you unawares if you let it. Here in Oklahoma we suffer from tornadoes and severe thunder storms. In Lima, Peru where I just spent three weeks they have earthquakes (as well as regular power and water outages). I'm sure wherever you are Mother Nature does something potentially nasty or at least bothersome. It's the way things are in life. You just have to learn to ride it out as best you can and wait for your chance to get to safer ground. I think it's time for me to try it now.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Actually

This one came to me somewhere around the 6th of November. It's been a good month or so for me as far as writing lyrics at least. If you can guess what it's about then you're probably not much of a mind reader. I think it's rather clear and to the point unlike most of what I write. Still, by the time it gets worked on for an actual song it will probably change a lot. Once it does I'll try and remember to post it and contrast what it is from what it was.     You always talk a good game Open your mouth and Expect me to follow Snap your fingers and Tell me to listen not Do what you do.................actually   Is this the dream life you thought of Clashing verbiage when you fall down Surrounded by moments of joy Is this how you bury your sorrow.......actually   The things I do that you hate Are fine enough for you to imitate the looking glass never shows the truth Your eyes are covered by a mask........actually   Multiple cult of personalities gather Behind the curtain of dark gray matter Do the linguistic dance mix patter Blame it all on cultural diversity......actually   Conflicting interests far too frequently Never claimed to be a mind reader Come down off the pedestal you chose Come join me in a real world alliance....actually

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Trying So hard

What we do isn’t conversation

You’re only talking at me

Not interested in what I have to say

It can’t be good anyway

What we do is more like competition

Talking over each other

Trying to make our points

Nobody really wins by the way

Then you tell me

Do the best that you can

Believe me baby I am

Trying so hard

Trying so, so hard

Life is filled with false ideas

Freedom is only an illusion

You only think that you know

The truth cannot set you free

I don’t want to see this end

But nothing lasts forever

Sometimes it’s necessary

Still I don’t want to disagree

If you’re too old to enjoy it

What was the purpose

Everything was ventured

And nothing was gained

I’m convinced waiting for

Life to get better than this

Will be the death of me

I want better than this

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Mortality Has Reared It's Ugly Head

This year I've been feeling my mortality for the first time, and not because I turned forty-seven yesterday. Earlier in the year my wife had a blood clot on her brain and it really made me look at life and assess where I am in my own life. Yes I did realize that I have more than likely already lived more than half of my allotted time and I haven't accomplished much of what I want to. What I learned is that the clock is ticking. Clearly most people end up frustrated in life, not doing the things they would most like to be able to do. We get stuck in jobs we really would rather not do just to pay our bills. After all, it costs (a lot) to pay for a mortgage and associated bills, vehicles and gas, phones, food, clothes....this list could keep on going. The trick is to find a way to pay those bills while doing something that you enjoy. I'm not there yet.

Years ago when I worked at Cabell Huntington Hospital in Huntington, WV my co-workers and I would laugh and joke about men (okay doctors) that would go through a mid-life crisis. These men always bought either a sports car or motorcycle and tried to look younger than they were. Now I feel that I understand them a lot better. Some of them clearly were trying to regain a part of their youth, a time when they were much happier, but they tried to do it by purchasing things instead of finding things that they like. That can only help superficially, smoothing the outside image that a person sends out without discovering what actually makes them happy. Also, it's usually at mid-life when you have the money to spend on these things, unless you're me. I've always been a late bloomer in life.

As for the others who were actually just trying to enjoy life more, well my experiences this year have made me think about what was really important in life. It isn't the things you accumulate, that you own. As a matter of fact those things usually end up owning you. You end up chasing the most recent, newest model or the coolest new gadget. I think it's much more important to be with people that you love and who enhance who and what you are. Basically, if you surround yourself with cool people you'll enjoy life more. Where you live, what you drive, your social status, none of those things are important to me. Making a huge sum of money while nice isn't that important either. What good does it do to make a million dollars a year if you work eighty hours a week and never get to see your family and friends? You never get to see your favorite band or go to the beach or see your child grow.

Believe me, if I could pay my bills off and find a way to support my family on a smaller budget I'd move to Peru right now. The cost of living is lower and there are so many beautiful things to see. I have many ideas that I need to work on, perhaps one of them could be the one to allow me to get paid to do what I like. You can write a hundred movie scripts but if nobody is willing to buy one, well you can't pay your bills with that. It seems that we always need a little help in one form or another to make our dreams and ideas work. Of course you have to put in the effort first to be properly prepared and make it easy for someone to say yes to those ideas. There are untold masses out there who have talent so you have to come with more than that. Determination and a strong will are necessary and even then you aren't guaranteed to succeed. The hardest thing is to find that someone who can help make it happen especially when you don't have any contacts in that field.

All I can do is keep working and planning and doing my research. At least then I can say that I gave it my best effort no matter what the outcome is. You can try and succeed or fail, but if you don't try you can only fail. Besides, if you throw enough crap against the wall eventually some of it will stick. Anybody out there who wants to help show me the way?

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Funeral Day

Today I went to a funeral and I suppose it was as nice as a funeral can be. To be honest the reason you are there in the first place is enough to bring anybody's spirits down to the lowest levels. As I listened and watched what was going on around me I started to drift mentally and think about what would happen when I die. What would my funeral be like? Would my family know enough about me to have a service that would go along with my wishes, beliefs and more importantly my personality? There's really no way to know unless you make it clearly known and even then they may not accede to your wishes.

I've seen funerals before where I knew that the dearly departed would have absolutely hated what was taking place in their name. Lot's of long, boring speeches full of nice comments about things that the person did not believe in. People who barely knew them talking about them as if they were best friends for life or attributing characteristics to them that frankly just weren't there. That's not what I want anybody to have to go through in order to pay their last respects, assuming of course there will be anybody willing to do so.

I want my funeral to be short and sweet. Just read a list of a few accomplishments in my life like getting married, having a child, going to a war and things that interested me like writing this blog and the time I did a radio show and so on. Play songs by Alejandro Escovedo, Rush and maybe one that I wrote the lyrics for. That's it. Then my family and friends can gather and eat, listen to music, watch some videos and tell stories about me. Celebrate my life don't mourn it.

If however my wishes were to be ignored then at least do something untraditional. Have a bunch of music, food and some senseless fun for everybody before stuffing the casket in the ground. I know that for a lot of people the funeral is for those that survive, not for the one that has passed but really, I'd like my funeral to be done as if I were there having to endure it with the rest of the saps. As if I'm the one watching the clock wanting to move things along no matter whether I am living or not. Whatever you do, just don't prolong it, get it over with fast. Then everybody can get on with their day. That would make me happy, well that is if I'm able to feel anything at that point that is.

Published by Don Leach

Mortality Rears It's Ugly Head

Sometimes things happen that seem extremely important and very serious and then a second thing happens that shows me that it really isn't so. Case in point, last Saturday my glasses broke and I had to be driven by my wife to see about getting them fixed. Once at the shop I found that they didn't have my frame in stock (the lenses were cut for the frame) and that it could take up to ten days to get new ones. I cannot see without my glasses so there is no way I could drive, read or let's face it, even work. To me this was a very big deal and I felt quite a bit helpless and overwhelmed at the chance that I would have to wait even a portion of that time to be able to see properly again. It just invokes a sense of helplessness and dependency that I am unaccustomed to.

Then I got the word that my best friend's mother-in-law had passed away the night before. Suddenly my problem didn't seem so serious anymore. Sure it would make life a lot more difficult but clearly, there are much worse things that can happen. Whenever something like this happens it inevitably makes me think about mortality, mine as well as others. I'm sure this is a normal and common thing to occur but since I am such a deep thinking kind of person, for me it goes to another level. I've thought about what will happen when/if just about everyone close to me were to die and how it would impact everybody else who is left behind and what our lives would be like as we go about trying to move on. This includes me and what it would be like for my family and friends if I were to die. Naturally since this isn't such a rosy, cheerful subject it only stands to reason that there isn't a lot of smiling and laughter going on when I am thinking about these things.

Let's face it, it's going to happen at some point. All of us are going to leave this mortal coil and pass on to something else. No matter how much we believe or think that we know through our religion (or lack thereof) ultimately the truth of the matter is that we do not know what is going to happen to us. All we can do is guess and surmise and hope that what we were meant to accomplish and what we wanted to accomplish will all be completed at that time, or that at least we'll have as much of the wish list checked off as possible.

Sometimes I feel that we need these reminders so that we don't get too complacent in life. If there's anything that we want to do whether it be traveling, music, writing or spending time with our kids, we need to do it now instead of putting it off for another day or time. I'm forty-six years old and when it gets down to it, I don't know if there will be a tomorrow or a next week. Nothing is promised so take care of it today. At least I can try to live that way, because I don't want to leave anybody behind that will end up saying they wished they had more time with me or that there were things that weeer eleft undone. The way I see it that's one of the worst things you can do to people you love.

Published by Don Leach

Frat Life 101: The Beginning or Were You One Of Those Frat Dudes?

Whenever I tell people that I was in a fraternity while I attended college off and on back in the 80s they normally get a mental picture of a bunch of rich, smarmy jerks wearing Izod shirts and plaid shorts sitting around being pretentious, anal douche bags. Then I have to take the time to explain to them that no, we weren't like that and in actuality if you had to compare us to anybody we were much closer to Delta house from the film Animal House. Okay when I say "closer to" I really mean almost identical. Probably as close in real life to what came across the screen as you can get.

Here's how my personal story goes. I had met Henry during the summer through my best friend Tommy. We found out that we would be staying in the same dorm at Northeastern State University (NSU) in quaint, bucolic Tahlequah, Ok and made loose plans to look each other up once we got there. It can never hurt to have someone you know to hang out with even of you're not lifelong friends or anything. When I found Henry he had already made friends with a pretty large group of guys in the dorm and I joined in with them. What was significant for me was that my early life was marred by a severe inferiority complex and a total lack of self confidence so the fact that suddenly I had a group of 10 or so immediate friends was incredible for me.

Basically I think we all had decided that now that we were out of our parents homes and away at college that whatever we were in our previous lives didn't matter. Now we could remake those things about ourselves that we didn't like and try to become cooler versions of what we thought we wanted to be. Or maybe it was just me who thought that way. Some of us were tall and some short, some skinny and some fat. Some were good looking and some were not, some of us knew somebody else in the group previously but most did not. I myself fit into several of those categories. What we all shared was a sudden realization that we were now free (or so we thought) in society's eyes and we could be as wild, crazy and as stupid as we wanted to be. And believe me, we did just that.




At some point or another one of the guys mentioned to the rest that he knew about a fraternity party on Friday night and since we were all young and free we should go. So we did. After all, isn't that what you were supposed to do in college? Attend as many parties as you could, drink as much free beer as was available and if possible convince some poor besotted lass to take pity on you and perhaps throw some loving your way? Well, that's not always the way it works out. In this case we attended the party, drank the free beer and had zero luck with the ladies in attendance, mostly due to the fact that they were almost all girlfriends of fraternity members or alumni. At least that's the story we stuck with.

Every single one of us ended up pledging and we ended up becoming part of an unusually large group of new recruits for the fraternity, although not all of us made it for varying reasons. Still, it was a banner semester for Sigma Tau Gamma and as it turned out a perfect fit for those of us who stuck with it and made it all the way through. You see we weren't looking to be the most popular nor the most athletic or even the smartest. No, what we and countless others before and after us were interested in was true brotherhood and friendship. We found that and much more in Zeta Chapter at little old NSU.




To Be Continued....................

When I Was A Child So Long Ago

When I was young I loved to go outside and play in the snow with my friends. We would stay out for hours building forts, having snowball fights and sledding. It didn't matter to us how long we were outside or how cold we got. All that mattered was how much fun we were having. We would come inside and get something to eat, more fuel for our body, so that we could go back outside as fast as possible and spend even more time having our fun.

Now I no longer have the shaded vision of youth. I am older and it seems more susceptible to colds and the flu. Where i once saw fun and games I now see work. It's not easy shoveling a long, double driveway while having the wind whip the snow that you just threw from your shovel back in your face. Busting your back to clear everything off and then going to work for over eight hours. It's not fun at all.



Sometime I lament that I have lost my childhood innocence, my joy at seeing things through those eyes. Everything always seemed so new and exciting, it seemed like you would never grow up and always would have fun. There were no thoughts of growing up, the stress of work or school doesn't register, the pressure of making a monthly mortgage payment does not exist nor does the idea that the person you love doesn't always love you back or forever. It's all about enjoying life.

Then you get a little older and life starts to show you what the future is like. You see families fall apart and all the pressures that you were so completely unaware of slowly creep their way into your existence. Little by little until suddenly you've forgotten what it was like to be young and innocent. If you're lucky you can have a child or perhaps have a sibling who does and you can see that child experiencing all the joy of discovering life and then maybe, you get to re-live a little bit of what it was like when you were that age.




The thought that I keep with me is that I am thankful that I did have that time when I was young because not every child in the world is that blessed. Some of them have to grow up very quickly and find out all too soon what life has prepared for them and it's usually not pleasant. At the time we may not realize how good we have it but there is always somebody else who has it worse than you do. Always. All I want to do now is delay just a little how long it takes for my son to lose his innocence so that he can just be a kid. Not too long, but definitely not too short either.