Visiting With My Father

One activity I forgot to mention the other day about the things I've done on my vacation was that I had a chance to go see my father, or more accurately, his grave. My father passed on in 1999 and his latest wife (he's been married at least seven times that I know of, I've written about this before) didn't want my aunt and my dad's twin sister to let his children know. You see he had married her after leaving my Mom and then all those years later he had returned and married her again. Anyway, she didn't want his original firstborn children to know anything about his passing on I suppose so that we wouldn't show up at his funeral and spoil the little myth that they had built up about their marriage and life together for all of the people that thought they knew him.

Anyway, I'm getting far too off track here. Since the Ft. Indiantown Gap National Graveyard is right off of the highway that takes you to Hershey, Pa we decided to stop by on our way back home, after we had all of our fun. When they do a burial there you do not get to see them put the casket in the ground. They have a spot where the do the whole military ceremony thing with the folding of the flag and the twenty-one gun salute and then you go on your way. So the first and only time I had been there I never actually knew where he was to be buried. I was able to look up the information online and it didn't take very long to find his grave.

Once the grave was found my wife, son, mother -in-law and her husband stood there for a few minutes and then they gave me some personal time to do whatever I wanted. I'm not sure I believe that a persons ghost or soul or a piece of it or whatever lingers on at their gravesite. I think it can for the place they died, especially if it was a violent demise but I'm not convinced about their final resting place. Still, there were some things I never got the chance to say to my father face to face that I needed to get off of my chest.

I won't get into the details but I was the one who stayed with him from the middle of my junior year of high school until I dropped out of college, I had his back in a manner of thinking. Then he treated me worse than everybody else and it took some time to forgive him but because of the situation there was no closure over what he had done. I forgave but didn't forget which was the sensible thing to do when dealing with him. Now I finally had a chance to get some things off of my chest in the only way that remained. It probably worked out better this way, at least now I didn't have to hear any lies.

It only took about two minutes and I was done, with as much closure as I'll ever possibly be able to have. That's the way it goes, I can't change any thing that happened so I just have to deal with it. Life goes on and hopefully lessons are learned and not repeated. Hopefully.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

It's Valentines Day Again...............

Well Valentines Day is here once again but unlike years gone by I won't be rushing out to Walmart or some other such store desperately trying to find some flowers or a card. I've done that in the past and had to fight my past other poor saps to get the last slightly wilted bouquet of roses before making my way down the card strewn aisle to select from everybody else's leavings. The fact is I have learned a thing or two about my wife since getting married. The thing is she tends to change her mind from year to year so if I try and surprise her with something then chances are I'll get it wrong.

So instead I prepare by getting her nothing. Now before you start muttering how much of a jerk I am for not getting her something on this most holy of days that is not what I said. I said I prepare by not getting anything, not that I won't be getting her anything. In order to make sure that wife gets exactly what she wants I'll be giving her a card then taking her to lunch and after that wherever she wants to get whatever she wants. If she wants a plant this year then we'll go get the plant that she wants not the one I think she wants. If she wants flowers then we'll find the ones she wants not the ones I think she would like.

This way she gets precisely what will make her happy and I don't get in her doghouse. If you think that this isn't very romantic or some such drivel the you probably haven't been married very long. By getting what she wants she'll be happy and as a by product so will I. And that's a good thing in my book.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

If I'm Being Honest

Just something that came out today, first draft as always. Seems to be I'm writing a lot of lyrics lately. Coincidence? I think not.

If it all ended today

If you walked away

What could I say

Place the blame all on you

That wouldn’t be the truth

Everybody has their problems

I’ve got my share

But who really cares

It leads to nowhere

I’m just drifting along

Am I really working it out

Or just writing another song

I can’t say…..if I’m being honest

If I’m being honest…..I can’t say

How can you love me

When I’m not even

The person I want to be

How can I love you

When I’m not even

The person I want to be

Lurching forth blindly

There’s never been a plan

At least none I can understand

My heads full of ideas

But I don’t know how

To make anything of them

I don’t want to never

Bring any of them to light

Have them die by fright

I’m held back by the fear

Of losing what I have

The end result becomes the same

I don’t know what I want anymore

I don’t know what I want anymore

I don’t know what I want anymore

I don’t know how long you’ll wait

I don’t want you to hate me

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

There Should Be A Lesson To Learn Here

My wife wanted us to go together to some of her favorite stores last night so that she could look at some things. Now when I say things I simply mean that I didn't know what she wanted to look at and even after going with her I'm still not sure I know. This is an area where we clearly show that we have two very different parts of our personalities and she doesn't seem to grasp the idea that perhaps it's not such a good idea for us to try and do these things together (or more correctly "her way"). Her way entails her telling me she wants to go to a store as we pass the entrance and I'm in the far left lane going about forty miles an hour. Then she gets upset at me because I dare to question her about cutting over two lanes to turn into the parking lot. If I were to pull a move like that on my own she'd be yelling and screaming at my horrible driving.

She enjoys going from store to store idly looking at things that she doesn't have any desire to buy. She also enjoys going to look at things that she would like to buy even though we don't have any money to spend. She says this is just to keep up to date on prices, etc. I'm the complete opposite, I only want to go when I have the money to spend AND there is something that is needed. I do not enjoy going from store to store either. My preference is to go to one store and if I think it's a good price then that's as far as I go. I am a man after all. Invariably this leads to a fight disagreement between us and her telling me how boring I am which tends to tick me off. Then the mood is destroyed for all. Great night out huh?

After almost eight years of marriage every so often she still thinks it's a good idea for us to go do these things together. I on the other hand quite strongly disagree. I feel that this is something we should not do because one of us (me) doesn't enjoy it. If the situation were reversed you can be sure that I would not want her to accompany me doing something that she does not enjoy. I've told her that many times. She's asked me why I just can't pretend to enjoy myself and go along with things. The answer is that I cannot be fake, I can't act like I enjoy something or like someone when I don't. Why would I want to be miserable doing something that bores me to tears or even worse, why would I want to make somebody come along that would be likewise bored. Life is too short for that.

For example, once my family was taking my mother to a concert, a mainstream country concert. Even though I detested this kind of music (and they all knew it) I went along because it was for my mother. I guess I felt guilty that I wasn't being a good son if I didn't go along. I hated every second of the time I was at that show. Do you think my slouching in my seat with this look of pained irritation on my face helped anybody else enjoy themselves? Not bloody likely. No, I couldn't sit there and pretend that I was having a good time. I just can't fake it and I don't want to be around people that do fake it because it only will lead to them bringing down your good time. Who wants that?

I would much rather you know for a fact that if I am there then it means that I enjoy doing this thing, be it a concert, someones presence or whatever it is. That way there is no repressed feelings of resentment, no simmering anger barely held in check, no smart ass comments to be made at anothers expense. My way lets everybody know where they stand so that there shouldn't be any hurt feelings by any of the parties. To me it's not worth fighting over why you don't want to go along with the program. Don't make it a big deal and it won't be a big deal. So if I'm not at your party or whatever then please realize it's because I'm just not a party person and let it go.  Life is much simpler that way. There's enough crap going on without adding to it by getting offended for no good reason. Make the world a happier place by being real.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Actually

This one came to me somewhere around the 6th of November. It's been a good month or so for me as far as writing lyrics at least. If you can guess what it's about then you're probably not much of a mind reader. I think it's rather clear and to the point unlike most of what I write. Still, by the time it gets worked on for an actual song it will probably change a lot. Once it does I'll try and remember to post it and contrast what it is from what it was.     You always talk a good game Open your mouth and Expect me to follow Snap your fingers and Tell me to listen not Do what you do.................actually   Is this the dream life you thought of Clashing verbiage when you fall down Surrounded by moments of joy Is this how you bury your sorrow.......actually   The things I do that you hate Are fine enough for you to imitate the looking glass never shows the truth Your eyes are covered by a mask........actually   Multiple cult of personalities gather Behind the curtain of dark gray matter Do the linguistic dance mix patter Blame it all on cultural diversity......actually   Conflicting interests far too frequently Never claimed to be a mind reader Come down off the pedestal you chose Come join me in a real world alliance....actually

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Things I Don't Do

I don’t hit you

I don’t call you names

I don’t sleep around

To you it’s all the same

I don’t smoke, do drugs

I don’t drink

I don’t gamble my pay

All the same you think

I don’t go to parties

I don’t stay out late

I don’t sleep around

And yet you start to hate

I don’t pay enough attention

I don’t give enough love

I don’t spend enough time

And that you let go of

I can write the words

But have trouble speaking

I can see my flaws

Too slow to change them

Is it too late

I don’t know

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

A New Year To Work On Patience (Amongst Other Things)

It's a new year today and while some good things happened in the last year some not so good things happened as well. Hopefully this year we can have more of the former and less of the latter. There are many things I want to improve on in this coming year. Patience is one of those. In certain areas I have a great deal of patience but in others it disappears quickly. My personality is one that I tend to hold things inside until I no longer can and they explode from me. Christmas day was an example of that. Whatever issues I had were smoldering inside me and I ended up yelling at my son after he intentionally dumped food on himself in an effort to make us feed him instead of using his fork himself. I regretted losing my temper immediately but it was too late. The damage was done.

This led to my wife sending him to his room but the tension between us was clearly there, waiting to be released. Later my wife made the unfortunate decision to move the chili I was cooking to a different burner and as I carried on about it she in turn blew up and the world as we knew it was over. But seriously, when someone is cooking something like chili you don't come along and mess with it, it's just not done. After much time spent in torment we eventually got ourselves together in a sort of detente and welcomed our guests and relaxed for the evening. Of course it all blew over eventually and we were okay although I believe it really would help to talk with a counselor, at the very least it couldn't hurt. Unfortunately none of us are given a blueprint for a happy marriage in advance and we have to learn as we go.

If I have learned one thing in my six plus years of marriage, it is how my wife reacts to stress, especially whenever we are going to have people over. Which is poorly. She wants the house to be perfect and in my opinion it doesn't matter. If you have people over who are really your friends they don't care what the house looks like. That's not why they are there. If the event they are there to comment on the condition of my house then I really don't want to be around that type of person. Besides after they and their kids leave the house is usually trashed anyway. Now the way my wife approaches me when she is stressed out, well if you can imagine hammering a nail into a piece of wood and once it's flush, all the way in, instead of stopping she keeps hammering away even though nothing more can be gained except maybe damaging the wood, the nail or even the hammer. I can only take it for a period of time before, you guessed it, I start speaking my mind. Armed with that knowledge you would think that I'd be able to identify these situations and head them off before they go too far but no, that doesn't normally happen. So this is an area related to patience that I need to improve in.

A few weeks back I had to drive her to Oklahoma City so that she could take her citizenship test (she passed) and just a few blocks from the house I pulled out in front of a car. It looked to me like he was in the other lane but alas it wasn't, he was in my lane and I reacted just how I do not like other people to react in these kinds of situations. Poorly. For the next twenty to thirty minutes she was constantly telling me to slow down, that there was a car ahead, we were going to wreck and so forth. Even though I knew I was risking her getting too upset to do well on her test (and naturally blaming me for failing) I finally told her that she needed to concentrate on her material and I would concentrate on the driving and to just leave me alone. It worked out fine although afterwards we did end up getting food poisoning so I don't know if that was some kind of penance or something.

Well the whole point of this piece is that I know what shortcomings I have and I understand what kind of personal growth needs to happen. Hopefully she does as well, not just for me solely. A lot of good things have happened in our marriage (first and foremost our son) and we've both changed over the years mostly for the better. As long as we can keep learning and adapting as individuals and as a couple I believe we'll be okay. That's all I can hope for. That and that she doesn't touch my chili again.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

My Father's Best Advice

My name is Ernesto Rivera. Roughly a week after my fourteenth birthday my mother came into my room and said that my father wanted to speak with me which came as quite a shock because I had never seen him before in my life. While my mother was pregnant with me he left her for his mistress and in the years since he had never come to see me. Not for when I as in the school play, not for any awards I've received, not for any of my futbol games, not even ever on a birthday. As a matter of fact I have never even received so much as a letter, a birthday card or a single present from him although he did make sure that he was never late sending money every month to my mother, presumably to help in my upbringing. So you can imagine what a surprise it was to hear my mother speak those words.

I looked her with a blank expression on my face, dumbfounded. Had I heard her wrong? Surely that must be the case. But she confirmed that he was there and wanted to talk to me. I asked why and she merely shrugged her shoulders and said for me to go to him in the living room. As I walked into the room she disappeared into the kitchen although I am quite sure that if one were to be able to float through the walls like a ghost she would be found with her ear on the other side of the door straining to hear what was being said. Upon seeing him for this unusual first time I must say I was not impressed. Throughout the years I had built up stories and images in my head that could explain why he had not been involved in my life, after all, I was his firstborn child as far as I knew. He looked nothing like the covert spy or adventurer that I had imagined him to be.

I sat down quietly and looked at him even more intently. He was shorter than me, was starting to put extra weight on his middle and his hair was thinning quickly so he mistakenly chose to leave it long and used a hideous combover to make believe he had more than he actually did. He looked like any other man I would see walking on the street. There was nothing about him that stood out. His clothes didn't seem to match the person, as if he were trying to disguise who he was, to make himself appear younger and more attractive. Instead they failed miserably and only drew attention to the aging that he was trying so desperately to hide. Underneath a nauseating coat of cologne I detected a faint odor of alcohol emanating from his sweating pores and he looked as if his nerves had gotten the better of him. He mustered a quickly fading smile and greeted me.

Hello son.

Hello sir.

I have come at this time because it is your fourteenth birthday and you are now becoming a man so I thought it would be appropriate for me to give you some life advice.

But my birthday was last week.

Ah, a few days do not matter!

He tried to smile again and I only looked at him, stone faced, devoid of emotion, not speaking. His smile faltered once again.

Well, to start, as you are getting older you will start having feelings for girls and they will try to trick you, to make you think they love you when they don't. They are sly devils who only look to get a man in their clutches so that they can sponge off of him and have him take care of them for the rest of their lives. Just like your mo..... well, never mind that. They will play you against your friends or other men if you allow them to. Do not do so, if you do you will have a lifetime of problems. Do you understand what I am saying?

As my mother had done to me a few moments before I merely shrugged my shoulders. This was all mystifying to me, even more so as to why he was even here in the first place.

Well, I'm sure it will become all too clear to you as you get older. Now then, here are some simple rules to live by. Number one, never go with a girl that weighs more than you. There is nothing sadder than a woman physically dominating a man. It's disgraceful and emasculating. Second, never marry a lazy woman. Pick one who understands it's her place to work in the house and cook and take care of you. If she leaves the house dirty while she lays on the sofa eating candies and watches her soap operas, if she makes you cook for yourself or get your food elsewhere then it makes you appear to be less of a man. You do not want to invite that kind of condemnation from your peers. It's degrading. Also, do not let her mother come between you or insert herself into your lives, they tend to be very intrusive when they get old and if they can they will always create problems. Lastly, never choose a woman you have to explain yourself to. You are the man and as such you should never have to explain what you do or say to a woman. You must rule the house without questions from her. There, with those simple rules you can make your life much easier and not have too many problems. Do you have any questions?

I wanted to scream DO I HAVE ANY QUESTIONS? OF COURSE I DO! WHY DID YOU LEAVE US? WHY HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN ME BEFORE? WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I wanted to scream that and much more at him but it was not correct, it would be disrespectful and not proper so instead I tried to mask what I was feeling and appear contemplative. What next came to mind now was why after fourteen years, after all of my life, did you come to me now with this? This information is what you felt you needed to share with me? This horrible information that even I at my inexperienced age could tell was completely wrong and out of place? That's the best you could do? Yet even this I could not say to him. Instead....

Well, I guess, that is, no, I better not....

It's okay son, go ahead and ask me what your question is.

It's just that I was wondering which of those rules was the one you didn't follow? (As I blurted this out a confused look spread across his face. Now that I had said it I couldn't stop myself.) I mean with my mother, which of these rules did you not follow with her?

His face immediately turned a bright red and he started to stammer and shake as he attempted to control himself. He stood up quickly and for a moment I thought he would strike me for my impudence but instead he pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his face with it.

Yes, well that's a subject for another time as I have some pressing engagements that I must attend to. Please consider what I have said to you. It will really help you later in life, trust me.

With that he turned on his heel and started to leave the room. He was halfway there when he put his hand in his pocket and stopped as if remembering something. Slowly he turned and I could see that he was still visibly shaken by my comment. It was almost enough to make me feel sorry for him, almost but not quite. He pulled out a crumpled card and gave it to me, no longer trying to make eye contact.

This is for you, it's not much but I thought you might use it for something, uh, for something that you like. Perhaps for some of those history books you like to read or you could go see one of those American movies that you like so much. Well, use it on whatever you feel like. Goodbye son.

Once more he turned on his heel and this time he did leave the room, going out by way of the garage and I followed so that I could lock the door, there were thieves here after all and as I walked back into the living room I looked at what he had given me and saw that it was a old birthday card with a clown on it, clearly intended for someone younger than I and immediately I thought how pathetic it was. When I opened it a 50 soles bill fell out and then I noticed the inscription. "Son, I know I haven't been there for you and I am sorry. Please forgive me. Papi"

Now I was the one confused. What did this mean? How old was this card? How did he know about my reading and the movies that I liked? I heard a sound coming from the kitchen and thought what did I really know? Is there something that my mother hasn't told me? I started towards the kitchen but halted, unsure of what I would say or do if I went in there. Instead I slowly made my way back to my room but could not bring myself to enter it and then changed my mind and climbed the steps to the roof. Once there I laid on my back and stared at the sky, barely noticing the clouds as they drifted across a rare sunny sky for this time of the year. My mind instead was on all of the questions that I now had and they threatened to overwhelm me. Before long I fell asleep with none of them answered.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

Love, Marriage and Illness

The alarm clock sounded for the second time and instead of hitting the snooze button again he shut it off and struggled to his feet. Squinting his eyes against the light he stumbled to the bathroom and relieved his bladder and following that as he washed his hands he stared at his image in the mirror. For most of his life he had looked younger than he was, even after he started losing his hair. Now though, the events of the recent months had taken their toll on him and his true age was starting to show. He sighed and thought briefly how it is inevitable that everybody gets older before veering sharply away from the direction those thoughts would take him in. Not now, there would be plenty of time during the day for that.

After a small breakfast, which was all he had ever been able to stomach, he washed the dishes and took his shower then dressed and before he knew it the time had come for him to go. He caught a taxi and looked at the all too familiar buildings along the way. The multitude of taxi drivers rarely varied the route so he let his mind drift a bit and very shortly he was there. Slowly he walked up the sidewalk and in the front door and turned left at the first hallway he came across followed by a right turn into another hallway and in a few feet he was there. Room 317. He emitted a heavy sigh and tried to let go of any negative feelings he had. It would do no good to go into the room in that frame of mind.

Forcing a smile on his face he pushed the door open and beheld her, his love. She fastened her gaze upon him, momentarily unsure of who this man was before it all came back to her. He told her how beautiful she was. She said that it was a lie. He told her how much he loved her, how special she was. She denied it all. She was tired of this place, didn't like the doctors and the staff was so rude. He could only tell her to be patient, perhaps soon she could come home. She fixed a fiery gaze at him and asked who he was. Why are you even here? The man weathered her storm of anger, after all, given her condition it was to be understood. Even though it was difficult seeing her this way it had to be incredibly worse to see it from her view.

Her anger dissipated into meandering stories about her life and shortly after that sleep came to her. This was his cue, his time to leave and go out into the world where he could briefly distract himself from the problems of life. He had work to do so that the bills could be paid and food bought. In the evening he would make his way here again to be by her side, silently listening to the same questions and stories all over again, in this building that normally housed people much older than her that was now her home. No, that word isn't correct at all he thought darkly. This is merely her residence, it's not a home at all. A home is a place where love, hope and dreams live. None of that can be found here, this place has no soul and is only where her body resides and occasionally, if he was lucky, he was able to catch frighteningly short glimpses of the woman he had loved his whole life. Most of the time that woman no longer existed, but sometimes, for those few, short moments she came back to him and those moments of clarity are what he now lived for.

Written and Published by Don Leach. May not be used without permission from the author.

A Brief History Of My Father And His Wives

I spoke with my older sister earlier in the week and for some reason she and my mother are trying to determine how many children my father had and with whom. Mind you, both of my sisters and I are in our forties now and our father died back in 1999 so I wasn't really sure why they wanted to do this at this point in time but who am I to disagree? I guess it's something about mapping out our complete genealogy or an attempt to understand him a little better. Either way, as it turned out our conversation did unearth an item or two for each of us that we did not previously know so it did turn out to bear fruit in that way. The thing about my father though is that he was a habitual liar, whether it was about large things or small, and that makes it difficult to decide exactly what he said was true and what was false. What is certain to me is that he always needed a woman in his life in the time that I knew him, no matter where he was, and he didn't normally go a long time without one.

Let's begin with hopefully where it all started. First he was married to my mother and they had three children of which I am the middle one. My older sister is Teresa and my younger is Karen. We all grew up in Ironton, Ohio, a rather small town in the southeastern part of the state. During their marriage he was away in the military some of the time so I suppose it is possible that he had children out of wedlock in Germany or Vietnam. Who can say? Shortly after Karen was born he had a daughter with a woman named Irene and this was in Pennsylvania. None of us know what his daughters name is. While I lived with my father here in Tulsa he did inform me one day while we were talking about the past that he had gone to Mexico to get a not so legal quickie divorce from my mother and then later had to do it again in the states. Perhaps this was so that he could be with this woman "legally" in his or her mind.

Wife number three was Maryann, also in Pennsylvania, this time in the northeastern part of the state. With her he had Mary Katherine and then twin sons Tim and Tom. Interestingly, again while I was living with him in Tulsa he told me when Maryann had found him (much as my mother had) towards the end of 1986 that he was unaware that she had been pregnant with the twins when he had left her. Now she was having difficulty with her sons (she had an older son as well from a previous relationship) and dad ended up moving back to help with them. More on this later.

Next up was a lady by the name of Elizabeth who had been a nun previously (no idea if dad had anything to do with that or not) and they had a son named Michael in Missouri. I do remember my father talking about living in Jefferson City amongst other places in that state. The only thing I know about Michael is that he was killed in a car accident when he was seventeen.

My father had not been in communication with us nor had he been a part of our lives when my mother found him sometime around 1981. He was living in Enid, Ok and both of my sisters as well as myself came to live with him at one point or another but I am the only one that stayed. In Enid dad was married to Jo and although she was a rather strange woman I think now that she really tried but it couldn't have been easy taking in us and my cousin Larry as well as his friend Rich. At any point, dad decided to leave her and take up with a lady he worked with named Pam, who was also married. This would end up being the last job that I ever saw my father work other than being in the National Guard. Pam ended up being not so very stable (mentally) herself and she and I had issues that I am sure helped to put a strain on their marriage. Plus she was nuts.

Dad briefly left her and took up with a lady about five years older than me (I was about nineteen at the time) whom we moved in with. Unfortunately her car was hit by a truck that ran a red light and she lapsed into a coma and later died. Dad had no choice other than to return to Pam until he could find something or someone else. Around this time I wrote some lyrics about Pam that show how I felt about her. They started with the line "She's a witch she's a bitch" so you can see I didn't try to sugarcoat it at all. There was also a lady named Della while I was away in college that I don't believe he ever was involved with other than to string her along and use her to his advantage. That's my impression at least. She deserved better because she was a very nice lady.

I had joined the National Guard as well and left school so that I could go away to training. When I returned dad was living by himself in Tulsa and I stayed with him while trying to make up my mind about college. It was at this time that Maryann found him and told him about the problems that she was having. I had decided to stay out of school and return home to be around my mother and sisters and shortly after I left he moved to Pennsylvania to help Maryann with their children. As you can guess, at some point they got married again and wife number three became wife number seven.

There is a substantial gap in time between Elizabeth and Jo and my father never really spoke much of that time to me so I guess anything is possible. The final best guess tally that we know of is seven marriages (to six ladies) and eight children. The man could definitely talk to women and seemingly was never without one for very long. Perhaps we'll never know what his reasons were, what he was feeling, what caused all of these relationships to fail and all of these children to not know their father for much of their formative years if at all. I do know that wife number three and seven didn't want us to know much about them. She even asked my father's twin sister to not tell us that he had died. We found out from another aunt and Teresa and I showed up anyway, much to her chagrin.

There is no relationship between the different groups of children and it's doubtful there ever will be. Nor do I expect that we'll find out a great deal of information about Michael or the girl that he had with Irene. Anything is possible in this era of instant access but I have to ask myself if it's worth the trouble. If it were to happen I feel that it would have to be something in order to help one of us come to terms with why our lives were the way they were. Otherwise it would just be opening old wounds. Personally, I think it would be worth it to help even one of us. Maybe we'll see, Teresa can be pretty tenacious when she wants to be so I can't discount her finding out any news. That's about it, to the best of my rapidly faltering memory.

Published by Don Leach

Trailer for La Teta Asustada (Milk of Sorrow)

My wife is from Peru and as a result I try to find Spanish language movies for her to enjoy. I myself do not speak much of the Spanish language although it is something I plan on changing in the near future. So imagine my surprise when I find a movie that is not only written by a Peruvian, stars a Peruvian, was made in Peru and was nominated for an Oscar for best foreign film, that I excitedly tell her the premise and she says she doesn't like it (without watching the trailer) because it seems that the main character would be living such a horrible life. When she says things like this, without giving the movie at least even a casual glance it can really deflate me and make me wonder why I bother even trying. I mean, what is the point if whatever I spend time investigating in an attempt to make her happy, to show something of her country especially on a grand stage, is rejected so easily without much thought or interest?

But then as I think about it deeper (something I'm good at) I realize that the point is that I tried, whether she likes what I've done or even appreciates it should not be my goal. I love her with all of my heart and even after almost 5 years of marriage the fact is that there are things about each other we never will understand. There are things we do not know and are just starting to figure out. After all, we come from 2 different cultures, speak 2 different languages
and have had different things happen to us in our lives. Whenever something like this happens I need to get over my initial feelings of disappointment and remember that it's not about me. As long as we are growing and learning and loving we will be fine. We don't need to have everything in common or think the same way about everything. Our differences are what makes it so wonderful. It's what makes it so worthwhile. It's why we keep on fighting for this marriage because make no mistake, marriage will always have it's struggles and rough patches broken up by periods of tranquility. The trick is learning to make those tranquil peroids last longer each time.



By the way, much like my effort La Teta Asustada did not win the Oscar. It instead went to a movie from Argentina. But at least they can say it was there and had a chance which is a lot more than many other films can say. Congratulations to director Claudia Llosa and star Magaly Solier. I will certainly be looking for it on dvd and who knows, I may just slip it in the dvd player without my wife knowing what it is and tricking her into giving it a fair chance.

Time goes on

About 3 weeks ago I made a post about not even knowing if my marriage was going to make it. My wife had said some pretty horrible things to me and honestly I didn't even know if I wanted to keep on trying. What a difference a day makes. We talked the next day and she was going through a few things but explained that she didn't mean what she had said and indeed did love me and wanted us to stay together and works things out. Since then I've turned a corner of sorts and come out of the semi-depression I was in and feel much better about life in general and am even making plans for future events since clearly waiting for something good to happen just doesn't work. You have to put yourself in a position for good things to happen. Basically I mean you need to be working towards a clearly defined goal in order for positive things to happen for and to you. Sitting around dreaming while nice and time consuming just doesn't get it done. Unfortunately there won't be a knock at the door where the perfect thing you want in life will happen to and for you. You've got to get out there and make it happen and now I'm planning for it.

When I say i was depressed don't get the wrong idea. It wasn't clinical or anything like that. It's just that off and on I would get depressed about work, my marriage and personal things that I've not accomplished in life. The thing was I wasn't doing anything to realize my dreams, to make them reality. That's all about to change my friends. I feel something very different and am making my plans, putting it in writing with a realistic plan of action. It doesn't even matter if I fail as long as I put forth the effort and do my best. Okay it matters some, I won't lie. Anyway, this is the year I start learning again and get off my duff for better or worse and accomplish something. More on this later.

What's Going On?

It’s not easy hearing that you’re not good enough from the person that you love and that you presume loves you. As a matter of fact it’s a slap in the face, a stinging blow to your spirit, your pride and your belief in the world. When that comment is used in addition to other hurtful words the effect can be devastating. I heard those words and more tonight from my wife. She told me she made a mistake marrying me and that basically we can never be happy because I won’t change who I am and that everything wrong is my fault, other than her marrying me that is. What a way to start off the New Year.

It would be a lie if I said that during this very difficult year I hadn’t wondered if we would make it. I did think about that. That’s what I do, I think deeply about things and yeah sometimes I think too deeply. No, I did think about that from time to time and I even thought about what it would be like. My wife has the feeling that everything would be fine if we got a divorce, that everything would be perfect and we would be so much happier on our own. Except we wouldn’t be on our own. You see, we have a son. A beautiful, lively son with a lust for life who is two years and 8 months old. Common sense says that if we were to split now he would adapt quickly although he wouldn’t really understand why things changed. To him it would just be different and he’d adjust and move forward.

What I worry about though is how I would adapt especially if I couldn’t see him every day. I love this kid dearly and can’t bear the thought of not seeing him every single day and being with him and interacting with him. He just came up to me as I’m typing this so for now I need to stop and just be here with my son. Who knows how many more opportunities I’ll have like this?